I try to be nice and a good person, but I’m not going to leave a mark on the world when I die…. Except for maybe a skid mark.

 - Steph Smith

5/13/20

Covid Quarantine 2020

In reference to Victorian death photos:

"Man the Victorian Age was FUCKED. When I die, I want you to plop me in front of the computer with modcloth.com in the background and a credit card in my hands."

(On the phone and in the car with kids SCREAMING in the backseat.)

Steph: Hey!! Seriously?! That's all I'm gonna say... Seriously?!?!

Son: What? I'm just playing 'Sea Creature'.

Steph: No. You're playing 'Give Mommy a Migraine' - that's what you're playing.

Yeah, he'll need some luck alright... and a metal cup on whatever crotch he has.

Me: (via IM) Call me, slut.

Steph: Ok... "you're a slut". There... I called you a slut.

Jesus, this Prozac is NOT working for me anymore....I might as well be eating fucking skittles.

Dude! I so don't give a shit about you! I'd rather fuck a rattlesnake, okay?!

Don't talk to me about age or politics! Talk to me about pharmaceutical drugs!

Me: I can't wait for the bush to make a comeback.

Steph: Oh, the bush never left...........me.

This song reminds me of my jacket.... my Conway Twitty jacket.

Ewww! He GROSSES me OUT!! He looks like a grandma or a bloated minuteman or something. I bet his balls smell like mothballs....oh, I love you, Millie. You are a pretty little girl....I wish I could take a picture of this guy right now- he looks like Malachai from Children of the Corn....Jesus.

Me: "Eat Me"

Steph: "How many Weight Watchers points are you?"

Me: "I can't wait to see you!"

Steph: "Get yer liver and bowels ready."

(This comes from Becky)

In reference to her gardner hitting on her...

"What makes white trash men so bold??"

ME: "Did you eat dinner yet?"

STEPH: "Yes... I had some marshmallows."

On making out with someone:

"It was like kissing a retarded oyster."

(This comes from Wampus Reynolds.)

"Yeah, I'm a Cougar. A Cougar with mange."

(This comes from Amy Cargill. In reference to Los Angeles...)

"Dude, I ate my way through that town."

"Just give me a fucking time, asshole! I'm not from Europe! I need a fucking TIME!"

"This town is like Children of the Corn. But instead of adults missing, it is single men who are not gay, fey or Grizzly Adams."