Sunday, April 15, 2012

In reference to Victorian death photos:

"Man the Victorian Age was FUCKED. When I die, I want you to plop me in front of the computer with modcloth.com in the background and a credit card in my hands."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

(On the phone and in the car with kids SCREAMING in the backseat.)

Steph: Hey!! Seriously?! That's all I'm gonna say... Seriously?!?!

Son: What? I'm just playing 'Sea Creature'.

Steph: No. You're playing 'Give Mommy a Migraine' - that's what you're playing.
Yeah, he'll need some luck alright... and a metal cup on whatever crotch he has.
Me: (via IM) Call me, slut.

Steph: Ok... "you're a slut". There... I called you a slut.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Jesus, this Prozac is NOT working for me anymore....I might as well be eating fucking skittles.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Dude! I so don't give a shit about you! I'd rather fuck a rattlesnake, okay?!
Don't talk to me about age or politics! Talk to me about pharmaceutical drugs!
Me: I can't wait for the bush to make a comeback.

Steph: Oh, the bush never left...........me.
This song reminds me of my jacket.... my Conway Twitty jacket.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ewww! He GROSSES me OUT!! He looks like a grandma or a bloated minuteman or something. I bet his balls smell like mothballs....oh, I love you, Millie. You are a pretty little girl....I wish I could take a picture of this guy right now- he looks like Malachai from Children of the Corn....Jesus.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Me: "Eat Me"

Steph: "How many Weight Watchers points are you?"

Friday, March 4, 2011

Me: "I can't wait to see you!"

Steph: "Get yer liver and bowels ready."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

(This comes from Becky)

In reference to her gardner hitting on her...

"What makes white trash men so bold??"

Monday, January 17, 2011

ME: "Did you eat dinner yet?"

STEPH: "Yes... I had some marshmallows."
On making out with someone:

"It was like kissing a retarded oyster."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

(This comes from Wampus Reynolds.)

"Yeah, I'm a Cougar. A Cougar with mange."
(This comes from Amy Cargill. In reference to Los Angeles...)

"Dude, I ate my way through that town."

Monday, December 6, 2010

"Just give me a fucking time, asshole! I'm not from Europe! I need a fucking TIME!"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

"This town is like Children of the Corn. But instead of adults missing, it is single men who are not gay, fey or Grizzly Adams."
"I wish I had alapecia in my bikini zone. How cool would that be?"